Dian Griesel

A Newsletter from The Perception Brief™ Series

There are many reasons that telling the truth — or being as truthful as you possibly can, including in business situations — is the wise choice. I’m a big fan of full and fair disclosure. That doesn’t mean I always like it. Truth-telling isn’t always comfortable, and it’s rarely convenient. But I highly appreciate that it evens the playing field. It gives everyone the information they need to make a choice for themselves, instead of a choice that was quietly — or unknowingly — made for them.

That, right there, is the whole game. Withholding truth — even with good intentions — takes a decision away from someone else and hands it to you alone. And, most of the time, that’s not our call to make. If you doubt me? Imagine a really personal situation where maybe you misbehaved. Ask how you’d feel if the shoe was on the other foot and your significant other was the one involved with the truth-withholding. Here, I think I could venture a safe bet as to how sucker-punched you’d feel if the truth one day saw the light of day.

But being truth-full doesn’t stop at disclosure. Being forthright matters just as much — maybe more — when you’re the one being asked a question. Because, frankly, it’s quite likely you have no idea what the other person is actually thinking, or why they’re asking you that particular question in the first place.

The Guilt Trap

Most of the assumptions we make about why we’re being asked something are guilt-based. Someone asks, “Where were you yesterday afternoon?” and before they’ve finished the sentence, we’ve already built a courtroom in our heads. There are all kinds of psychological reasons that explain why we so often feel discomfort, inauthenticity, defensiveness, guilt, or something in that emotional neighborhood the moment a question is directed toward us — even when it’s a completely innocent one.

Yet the fact remains: Unless we specifically ask (ideally in a non-defensive tone): “Why are you asking me that?”  (a question which is perfectly okay to ask) — we are assuming. And, you may remember that scene from The Odd Couple, when Felix points out to Oscar that when we “ass-u-me,” there’s a distinct possibility we make an ass out of you and me. It’s a corny line. It’s also completely true. I’ve watched it play out in boardrooms, living rooms, and everywhere in between.

The Question Behind the Question

I am a highly intuitive person. You may be too. Yet the best thing I’ve learned to do with that particular gift of intuition is to not to rely on it as a shortcut. In fact, the knowing that I’m naturally more intuitive has made me recognize that asking more questions is paramount to effective communication. This is particularly true not only when it relates to the questions others ask, but also to those questions others may not want to ask, or may not even have thought to ask.

While some might find the question “Why are you asking me that?” to be abrasive or confrontational, I find it to be the exact opposite. Asked with genuine curiosity rather than a defensive, hostile tone, it does something remarkable: It slows the moment down just long enough for both people to notice what’s actually happening.

More times than I can count, that single question accelerated a discussion and led to more accurate answers and better, more on-point conversations than any answer given under pressure ever could. And, the “why” behind this is fairly simple: Answers given when someone feels pressed to answer are not always the most truthful, accurate, considered, real, thoughtful, or even necessary. Pressure produces performance. It rarely produces the truth.

We Cannot Read Minds — So Stop Trying.

We simply cannot know another person’s motivation or motives without asking. And, because our natural tendency is to self-protect, the absence of an answer to our questions — or worse, an answer to questions we never actually asked out loud — tends to elevate tension, distance, and division in exactly the thinking it was hoping to unite.

Think about how much of daily friction is built entirely on unspoken, unverified assumptions. A pause in a text reply. A tone in an email. A raised eyebrow in a meeting. We fill in the blanks with our own story, react to our own story, and then wonder why the other person looks confused when we bring it up three days later.

Where This All Gets Down To: Perception

What much of this gets down to is perception — something I’ve studied with intensity for decades and applied to my work and my everyday conversations.

Think of your perception as a merger of all the feelings, thoughts, and beliefs you’ve accumulated throughout your entire life. Now add sensory information — tastes, sounds, sights, touch, and smells — that are consciously or unconsciously tied to memories stretching back further than you probably realize. This amalgamation becomes your perception: the way you see yourself, others, and every single conversation and situation you encounter.

Here’s where it gets tricky: Your perception is unique to you. Mine is unique to me. Joe’s is unique to him. Jane’s is unique to her. Eight billion people or so, all processing life through their own individually calibrated lens with no two lenses ground exactly the same way.

Which gets back to my central point: to be truthful.

Four Doors, Every Time

There are countless reasons people ask questions. And when we’re asked one, we all have four basic options, every single time:

1. Answer it.
2. Ask, “Why are you asking?”
3. Ignore the question altogether and change the subject.
4. Say, “Good question, I’ll get back to you with my answer.”

Each option works, in the sense that each one is technically available to you. The 4th response fits best when you don’t have factual information handy — but you know you can get it and will. But the point is this: Each of these responses will take the conversation in a fundamentally different direction — toward clarity, toward deeper understanding, or toward a subtle wall going up that the other person will absolutely feel, even if they can’t name it. This is particularly so if you opt to choose option three because it doesn’t make the question go away. It just delays the moment you’ll eventually have to deal with it — usually with less trust in the room than you started with.

Where the Truth Actually Lives

Every week, I — like you — enter countless conversations. These happen with people I live with, people I work with, and people I simply encounter as I go about my days. My days are incredibly diverse in terms of who I might be speaking with, whether it’s work-related or social.

On top of that, I interview between four and twelve people every week for my @SilverDisobedience Perception Dynamics podcast. Each one of those starts as a conversation with someone I consider to be an interesting stranger — and yet, by the end, it often feels like a new, more intimate relationship has quietly begun.

But that connection — every single time, without exception — starts from our truths and our questions. Not from the polished, pressure-tested version of ourselves we think we’re supposed to present.  But, from the willingness to say what’s actually true, and the willingness to ask what we actually want to know.

That’s it. Say the true thing. Ask the real question. See what happens when you stop assuming you already know the answer.

If you need help identifying and overcoming perceptions that might be holding back your success, or tips on how to communicate better, give me a call! 212.825.3210 🙂 Dian

© Dian Griesel 2026 Perception Dynamics Inc.