t takes real soul-searching to stop taking personally what others say to us or about us. That kind of self-awareness is essential — unless we want to keep responding reflexively. Of course, most of us are well-meaning. We care about others. But here’s the hard truth: many of our perspectives, comments, ideas, and criticisms are reflections of ourselves — not necessarily accurate assessments of someone else.
A brief essay by Hugh Prather in Notes to Myself has stayed with me for many years. He wrote something to the effect of: when someone criticizes us, we don’t suddenly become “less” than we were before the critique. We’ve simply received information – data — to consider.
In that sense, criticism — whether we’re the critic or the one receiving it — is often nothing more than a glimpse into someone else’s critical thinking, assumptions, expectations, or emotional state.
Think about how differently we handle critique at work. If feedback is about a situation, a process, or a problem (rather than about who we are), we can usually debate it, evaluate it, and decide whether we agree. But when criticism feels personal, “critical” reasoning often shuts down right when we need it most: Emotions rise and take the wheel.
That’s why the real skill is learning to step back when you’re on the receiving end of criticism and ask, calmly:
- Is there merit here?
- Do I agree that this points to something I need to address?
- Or is this more about the other person’s lens than my reality?
Maybe there’s truth in the comment. Maybe there isn’t. Either way, criticism is not a verdict on your value or worth. It’s information that’s been filtered through another person’s perceptions and it’s up to you to decide whether it’s relevant to your behavior, your choices, or your growth.
And if you’re the one offering criticism to someone else, remember: There’s a big difference between constructive and destructive criticism. Before you share either, pause. Then, think long and hard before sharing either.
© Dian Griesel Perception Dynamics 2026
Photo Credit: Andrej Lišakov via Unsplash
