Empower yourself by staying out of other people’s trances.
We all know someone who is stuck somewhere in their past, in a psychological state we call a ‘trance ‘. Maybe it’s even you. Conversation with people in this state tends to go backward into how they grew up, the pain, suffering, cold or abusive parents, lack of love, missed opportunities, broken promises, and more. We know it’s all true. And our hearts feel compassion for this suffering. But here’s the problem: They want you to join them in their trance because misery, unconsciously and unintentionally, loves company. That person is waiting to hear: “What a horrible life. I have no idea how you survived.”
Don’t do it! Do not accept an invitation to that party!
When a conversation gets stuck like this, it’s time to change it up and try to transport the speaker into the present. To be clear, I’m not talking about issues that someone might be coping with that require immediate attention, compassion, and professional solutions—but rather when the person is stuck in a trance, recalling old memories and a bad situation repeatedly.
Working in private practice as a card-carrying member of the Hypnotists Union, Union 472; NFH 104, I listen to many people who are seeking help to get out of their real-life trance. But the time comes to stop listening and trigger change.
People can’t go forward when stuck in a past trance state. They often say they want to change—but first, they want to repeat and repeat, getting everyone in complete agreement, in their trance, that life is miserable. They often need help from a friend (or a therapist) who can jolt them out of their trance with kindness and humor. This is not undermining another’s pain. Instead, it reminds everyone to stay present because this is where we can heal and find peace. A friend (or a therapist) can play a crucial role in this process, providing the necessary support and perspective. It’s taking a risk with love.
Be mindful of the trances you choose to join, whether for a friend or yourself. Choose the ones that inspire and motivate.
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