For “The Perception Brief,” I share articles drawn from themes that have emerged through countless private conversations with clients over the years.
There will never be names, identifying details, or clues as to the people involved. In fact, the names would be irrelevant. So many of the situations we wrestle with — personally and professionally –are far more universal than we realize.
What connects this series is something I’ve heard more times than I could ever count. A conversation begins, there’s usually a pause, and then come the words:
“I haven’t told anyone this, but…”
What follows is often the part of the story that matters most.
• • •
The conversation started with, “I haven’t told anyone this, but I feel like I’m living in a state of constant high anxiety particularly at night when I’m trying to wind down for a good night’s sleep.”
I sat very still. I knew for sure this was a huge confession. The person sitting in front of me was what the 1980s would have called a “Master of the Universe.” And he – though I’ve had the same conversation with plenty of “she’s” had earned such a title.
My client was a high achiever. He’d committed massive amounts of time and energy for years building his business that was now in its 30th year. And it was a solid business. It was he shared also being tested by a variety of forces: new competitors entering the marketplace; tighter margins; AI causing upheaval with employees and processes; and overall stock market volatility, to just name a few.
Certainly, any one of those factors could be, and are, stress-provoking. But stress that crosses into sleep disrupting anxiety demands an open look and exploration.
Anxiety is one of the most misunderstood experiences that any of us can have. When feeling anxious it is typically interpreted as a fear related to what might happen. As such, with good intentions, we try to calm it with reassurance to ourselves or offer such reassurances to others by saying things like:
It’ll probably be fine.
The odds are in your favor.
Don’t worry so much.
Yet, still, anxiety is a hearty adversary and can linger as a persistent feeling.
In my experience this is because anxiety isn’t really worrying about the outcome. It is about not knowing what the outcome will mean.
Having worked with hundreds of people — many of whom have shared moments of very real anxiousness and anxiety — is that what is actually happening when anxiety takes hold is this: The mind is running multiple scenarios simultaneously, and it cannot determine which one will govern a future reality.
So, when we’re anxious, we’re not just focused on what will happen — but how will I understand it if it does? How will I cope? Will this be a failure or a lesson? A loss or a redirection? A verdict on my worth or simply an event?
When the mind can’t settle on an interpretation, it stays on high alert. Like those records some of us remember that had a needle stuck in a groove. The mind starts scanning, rehearsing, and bracing all because it doesn’t yet know what it’s preparing for.
It is this interpretive instability that is the anxiety. The emotional intensity isn’t proportional to the actual threat. It’s proportional to the unresolved meaning.
This is why reassurance during an anxious moment such as – “I’m sure it’ll work out” — is incomplete: It addresses the outcome but leaves the meaning untouched which is why it offers only temporary relief at best.
So, what works? I often propose taking a personal inventory. Let me elaborate.
Clarity is what genuinely calms the anxious mind. Not necessarily good news. We all want decided news. Think: a settled interpretation, because even a difficult one, gives the mind something to work with. And it can get to work — and the subconscious mind does want to work favorably for us.
Now – after reading that you might be thinking: “Seriously, Dian? Of course, I’d prefer clarity!” So, as they say in infomercials, I’ll say: “Wait! There’s more.”
Start integrating this premise: Certainty calms more reliably than positivity. So, if anxiety is a familiar companion, the most honest question we can ask ourselves isn’t: “What am I afraid will happen?” The question we need to ask is: “What am I afraid this will mean about me, my life, or my future?”
When we can start to dig underneath that question — even if it’s only a provisional answer — we can start to find some solid ground and clarity.
Here’s why: We cannot always control what will happen. Sure we can make contingency “what if” plans. But regardless, we can always assure ourselves that we can handle whatever comes our way. Think about it: Here you are reading these words. Life has not been easy. Yet, you have indeed passed, survived and possibly thrived through all the adversity life has tossed in your direction.
Once you start really looking at what you are afraid the outcome might be from any particular event, you can start doing an inventory of your skills, experiences, connections, and whatever else might be necessary to draw upon if such an event (real or imagined unfolds.) With this kind of thinking, you redirect your energy from an unknown to an action plan for a crisis that may or may not every unfold. But grounded, you will find clarity and re-connect with your self-confidence that has served you to date.
If you think you might benefit from having a conversation with a professional confidant, I offer complimentary consultations to see if we’re a fit.
