Why do these conflicts between what we do and should do exist? The word “should” is at the root of the problem. ✨ Psychoanalyst Karen Horney pointed out that we all need to learn to differentiate from the unhealthy “shoulds” we are socialized with vs. our actual self-determination. She proposed that we all have “real” selves, which are defined by our more authentic desires vs. our people-pleasing “ideal” selves. Our true self reveals our core essence and can be observed in young children if we watch them closely and give them a free realm to explore. Yet, as soon as we learn to speak as toddlers, we are very direct about what we want — which means we often confront understandably frustrated and tired adults who are dealing with their own real desires juxtaposed against very real responsibilities. ✨ So, where things go awry in our processing is this: As we are socialized into a society that strives to function with norms, consistency, and peace so we can be “educated” and “become productive citizens,” we are schooled on what we “should” be doing. So, our unrealistic journey of people-pleasing begins; our sense of personal failure starts to elevate, and our awareness of feeling unfulfilled grows. ✨ What Horney also pointed out is that the more we believe and try to fulfill external “shoulds” placed upon us by others and society, the more we begin to feel self-hate and disappointment. Because we believe we are failing to uphold and achieve some arbitrary standard that quite possibly has little to do with our own reality or desires — it becomes harder to recognize what we truly feel in our hearts. The good news? Because of a deep need for self-preservation, I believe the factors that help us feel closer to our genuine, unique individual selves will always resist socialization, as we intuitively know that we are each a gift to the world due to our unique, never-to-be-replicated nature of existence. ✨ When the conflict of should piles up, we need to ask ourselves: Who’s “shouldn’t” on me now? Should it be guiding us toward a better life, or is there some other agenda worth analyzing? ✨
© Dian Griesel 2025 Perception Dynamics
